How to Found a Kingdom on Earth in 12 Easy Steps

by Jehovah Elohim

1. Foundation
Choose a 75-year old childless couple as the base of your kingdom. Don't give them a child for another 25 years. Bonus: Convince the father to sacrifice the child once born.

2. Growth Plan
Send one member of your clan to slavery and/or prison; send a famine on the other members.

3. Independence
Choose a timid, word-fumbling murderer as your spokesman, to demand from the head of the greatest military that he should disband his free labor force. Bonus: When your group leaves, send them towards a large body of water.

4. Conquest
Attack the most protected city first. Do this by marching around it once a day for a week, blowing trumpets on the last day. Bonus: Get your intelligence from a prostitute.

5. Military Strategy
Before attacking a large army, whittle your forces down to 300. Bonus: Arm them with torches, jars, and trumpets.

6. Leadership
Go to a small town and choose a young man known especially for talents in music and animal husbandry. Bonus: Have him challenge the mightiest warrior of your enemy. Extra bonus: Have a death warrant placed on his head by the current government.

7. Defense
When an army of roughly 185,000 men come at your capital city, taunting you, whatever you do, don't rally your people's army in defense.

8. Advertising
Send your best speaker to a city doing everything they can against what you want. Bonus: nearly drown your speaker on the way.

9. Transition
Introduce your chosen leader in a small town, preferably in filthy living conditions. Bonus: Have him live in obscurity for the first 30 years of his life.

10. Executive Team
Choose only the best people to surround your leader, like uneducated fishermen and hated tax collectors. Bonus: Also take someone who will undermine your entire effort at a critical point.

11. Final Establishment
At the height of your leader's popularity, get him executed as a criminal. Hopefully his executive team will respond accordingly by hiding and denying they know him. Bonus: Choose a known killer of your followers to spread your message.

12. The Real Plan
Be the God of the Universe, full of Love and Grace, and turn the whole world upside-down with Your unconventional (i.e. miraculous) wonders.